Amusings by Amber

I've had a lot of time to think and reflect lately and regret keeps coming to my mind. The 80's Queen song keeps playing over and over in my mind. "And bad mistakes I've made a few.......... but I've come through!" But it's not really about those mistakes.  Yes, I have made some doozeys, hurt people that I care deeply about, chose paths that made my life harder.  But that is life and learning.  It makes me who I am today, and, given the choice to go back and change things, I would have to think long and hard about it because I love who I am now, what these decisions made me. My choices are what has led me to this amazing time in my life. No, the regret that eats at me the most is the things I did not do.  The days I stayed home instead of going out with friends.  The times I sat at the bar instead of dancing.  The hikes I bowed out of.  The unfinished black belt. They were all little things at the time, things I avoided out ...

I am loosing my memory.  It’s fading into the distance. We keep a screen of pictures in the front room of our house with photos of our life scrolling by.  And, while I remember seeing the photos, I no longer really remember.  My childhood is gone, it’s just a few flashes, mostly of traumatic or embarrassing moments.  But, for the most part, it’s gone. I know I was happy and the pictures seem to support that.  The loss, however, is creeping up my timeline towards me.  I don’t remember our wedding 25 years ago.  The pictures are beautiful, standing on the cliffs over Bodega Bay, but I don’t  remember being there. Perhaps it’s really good that Brian arranges for us to renew our vows every 5 or so years.  I remember the last one, 2 years ago at Burning Man but I don’t remember The Elvis wedding in Vegas or the surprise ceremony at a renaissance fair.  Sure, I have pictures, but it’s just not there. I look back at ticket stubs for conc...

We were working on our giant steam punk duck yesterday afternoon and one of our neighbors stopped by.  Now, he did not stop by because he was our neighbor, we had no clue he lived around the corner.  No, he stopped by because he saw the art car that we were working on and could tell by our actions that we were "Burners".  He introduced himself, got a big hug and asked for help loading some sofas that were on the side of the road further up for $40.00.  The people giving them away were not home, so we helped him, he gave us the money to pass on and promised to come by and say hi again.  We invited him to come by our camp at Burning Man to catch a movie or have a drink on our deck and I have no doubt that we will see him again. This started me thinking.......... If he had seen a fish on the back of our car, or perhaps some religious bumper sticker, would he have asked for help?  Would be have gotten a hug or been trusting enough to give us the cash for th...

Dad died last month .  We were blindsided by this, he was so vibrant and alive.  He was supposed to live into old age and be that cranky old man that complained about everything.  He was looking forward to leaving on a 3 week adventure through the Northwest Territories by canoe with a group of photographers.  He lived his life out loud and touched so many people, wringing it out to the end.  His last evening was spent taking pictures at a cowboy chuck wagon/music/poetry event in the foothills.  His life was full and well lived. Flint (Kyle) took his life last week, once again we were blindsided.   His life was still ahead of him with so much promise. He was supposed to grow up, enjoy life, have a family and bring his kids around to visit.  He did well in school, played sports and had great friends.  He recently received his passport and was looking forward to traveling to the Lasertag International tournament in Brisbane.  He ...

I'm fast approaching that indefinable "middle age".  It seems like a shadowy place - midway between youth and old age.  Somewhere between immature and mature.  I am no longer called "young lady". I know that roles are changing and youth is extended everyday, but where exactly do I cross that line?  When do I have to start acting my age?  And what does that mean anyways? Is there some rule written somewhere that as my hair starts to grey, I have to cut it short?  As I approach 50, do I have to stop wearing jeans?  When do I have to stop wearing corsets? (I just ordered a new one, so I hope it is not soon!)  Can I keep my sense of style, I really just developed it recently, it would be a shame to let it go now.  If I continue too far down the path without the appropriate wardrobe, will the fashion police step in and tell me to start acting my age?  Where do I change from a cute chick in a tu-tu at Burning Man to a desperate old lady gr...

This is Jade, we had Jade for dinner last night and it was strange...... I did not mean to participate so fully in the circle of life, but circumstances obligated me to.  We meant to get 3 hens but ended up with two beautiful roosters.  Unfortunately for us and the neighbors, they thought it was best for the world to awaken at 5:30 am, and 6, and 7 (and they failed to lay eggs). My idealistic ethos of the moment is to eat fresh and locally.  Its easy to do with our garden, our hens, the farmers market and local butchers.  Killing our own meat, however, brought about a reality that I was a little less prepared for.  I remember watching my dad butcher chickens, rabbits and goats when I was young, but that did not prepare me for taking the life of an animal.  Suddenly I was responsible for not only the life and well being of another living creature, but the time and manner of his death. This put a whole new perspective on how I viewed something as simp...

We made the decision recently to leave our "traditional" Christian church and move on in our search of what God wants for our short human existence. This is not a decision we make lightly, it took months of contemplation and discussion to decide. What it comes down to is that what we see in the organized American Church is not entirely what we see modeled by Jesus in the Bible. Jesus spent his life on this earth showing us how to live, how to love and how to worship. He spent his days in the world, eating and drinking with the tax collectors and prostitutes as well as the leaders of the church. He made no distinction based on their "sin". He pointed out more sins in the organized church that among the common people. He did not just go out on Saturday afternoons to the soup kitchen and put in his time, he was involved in their lives. He loved them through not only his words, but through his actions. I am ready to take the time, energy and money that we put into...

From "Third Wish" by Robert Fulghum "When you find yourself in a fine place having a fine time, you might remember a time when your life was awful, and how back then you would have wished you were here. But you are here now. Look around you. It's a wonderful place to be. What you have is exactly what you would have wished for, if you had known. A retroactive wish come true." This last week was definitely one of those times!

I used to ride the roller coaster. I wasn't afraid of the unknown. I would dive into life with no regard for possible failure or disappointment, that was something that happened to other people. But one day, my roller coaster crashed. I lived to tell the tale, but never jumped back in the saddle. I thought I would ride it again, I would purchase my ticket, put in my time in line, sometimes even crawl into the seat, grabbing the safety rail, white knuckled, but still there! Every time, however, just as the cars began to move, I would leap out, leaving behind everything I had invested to get there. But..... I never crashed. Looking back now, I see the trail of self destruction & wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed in that car, white knuckles and all, and rode the roller coaster to the finish. Sure, it might be scary, it might even crash, but what if it was ok? What if it was even fun? Would it have been worth it? I think so. Today I am back at the roller coast...

I was reading one of my favorite blogs, Mooreheads Musings , and he mentioned an article on the website Witchvox.com by Jedi Gordy titled "The Future of Paganism". He writes in part - "This article is on something most of us dislike: Christianity. But it is more on how modern Paganism is BECOMING much like Fundamentalist Christianity. We claim to be enlightened (which we should be to become the third degree) . We claim to be tolerant. We claim to be righteous and pure. Then tell me this: Why do I hear so many of us slamming the “big three” (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) and calling those who call us out on our hate-speak “Christians” or other names? I know many people of the “enlightened” path that know not where their religion was founded (for all religions are made by man, this coming from a Pagan) . Example: many people will fight hard and long to prove that Wicca is THE OLDEST religion when there is not a hint of archeological evidence to show that it was arou...

Hugh Halter brings up the concept of Whimsical Holiness in his book "The Tangible Kingdom" and I love it! Jesus told us that there were some things that we should not do and we (most of us) agree that doing these things is sinning. But there were a lot of things that Jesus told us we should do, and by the same logic, isn't not doing these things also sinning? Things like loving your neighbor, loving your enemies, helping the poor and treating your spouse with respect. Whimsical Holiness is simply being like Jesus. It takes into account both sides of this equation. This radically changes the way that we view the people around us and the way we live our lives. Whimsey in this case is the ability to laugh, make light of or downplay the words, behavior and worldviews of those around us, but definitely not in a condescending manner. Whimsey allows you to spend time and life with people regardless of thier beliefs without casting judgement. It allows us to all feel comfortable...

Koi in the Sky

I believe in the Sun Even when it does not shine I believe in Love Even when it is not shown I believe in God Even When he does not speak

Autumn Leaves Floating Leaf Toah Nipi Sunset

People from all areas of my life ask why I go to burning man so I wrote down some things: I go to Burning Man because being out on the playa gives me perspective . I spend entirely too much time in the "real world". I have a life at home where I keep my family and most of my stuff. I have a small, German-made world with wheels where I keep most of my CD's and spend a lot of time on the phone. I have another world where I keep work and customers. In those spaces, I am someone. I have the power to change the climate. I can manipulate the environment and when my worlds wear out, I will get new ones. The playa is the ultimate out of the box experience. In our world, we are in total control. On the playa, we are at the mercy of God. It's on the playa that I realize my finiteness. It's only when I'm on the playa...so flat that I can see a storm coming, feel it engulf me, and watch it pass...that I realize that life happens to me much more than I can ever happen to ...