On Loss

I am loosing my memory.  It’s fading into the distance.

We keep a screen of pictures in the front room of our house with photos of our life scrolling by.  And, while I remember seeing the photos, I no longer really remember.  My childhood is gone, it’s just a few flashes, mostly of traumatic or embarrassing moments.  But, for the most part, it’s gone.

I know I was happy and the pictures seem to support that.  The loss, however, is creeping up my timeline towards me.  I don’t remember our wedding 25 years ago.  The pictures are beautiful, standing on the cliffs over Bodega Bay, but I don’t  remember being there. Perhaps it’s really good that Brian arranges for us to renew our vows every 5 or so years.  I remember the last one, 2 years ago at Burning Man but I don’t remember The Elvis wedding in Vegas or the surprise ceremony at a renaissance fair.  Sure, I have pictures, but it’s just not there.
I look back at ticket stubs for concerts and plays I have been to that I remember nothing about.  Concerts that shaped my life are faded to nothing.  I know I saw the scorpions in the 80s and again in 200l, but I have no memory.  We are seeing them in Vegas this summer again and I have nothing to compare it to.  I see a stub for a play and sometimes remember that I liked it, but can not tell you what it was about.

We do so much stuff, go so many places, and my tv reminds me about it all.

And life moves forward.

I look at the futility of it, why spend the time and money traveling all over, seeing new things, having new experiences, when someday I won’t remember and then someday I won’t even be here?  But Brian will remember and my kids will remember and my grandkids will remember.  Hopefully that is enough.

So we will keep creating memories and the creeping of time will take them away.  I see it getting closer, but I have my weapons against it.  I have my camera and tv to remind me who we are and what we do.  And for now, that will be good enough.






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